theonion:

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship
shelbysbutt:

A little cold still

This is like the time lapse segment on a nature documentary. “Hmm? No, I can’t go out tonight. I’m watching Shelby slowly die on Tumblr.” 

shelbysbutt:

A little cold still

This is like the time lapse segment on a nature documentary. “Hmm? No, I can’t go out tonight. I’m watching Shelby slowly die on Tumblr.” 

A conversation overheard in my apartment building that confirms my longstanding belief that I'm living in a fake Truman Show world
Old Man: Oh! Business today?
Man in Suit: Business everyday.
...
These are my new favorite characters. Let's start fan fiction:
Old Man: How'd that sports go last night?
Man in Suit: Oh man, that point scored was amazing.
Old Man: But those other points, the ones not scored, they were sad.
Man in Suit: Yes, I hope sports does better in the future.
Old man: You know it!
Man in Suit: Onward, to business!

unpops:

Harmon Leon and Alex Schmidt have a new podcast about storytelling, and it’s like “Behind The Music” with people who do more than string chords together. Follow them on Soundcloud for new episodes!

thisdanobrien:

This looks like an incredibly heavy commercial for Silk.

That’s fucking Silk’s job. It’s fucking Silk’s job to get inside you and help you evolve beyond a mewling entitled man-baby. Fuck you. Silk.

(Fuck you.)

-Silk

theonion:

Jock Scientists Identify Gay Gene In Fellow Researcher Carl | "It’s in his butt,” say researchers.

cracked:

If you’re surrounded by enough of this Pepto-Bismol hue…

…don’t even try to play your best college football (because you won’t).

THIS WEEK: Daniel O’Brien and Robert Brockway join Jack O’Brien to explore how pink is a performance-depressing drug, how red makes your customers better tippers, how blue helps prevent suicide, and more.

20 Ways Color and Background Noise Are Brainwashing You

All I’m saying is that, in the recording of this podcast, we made fun of babies for like a good twenty minutes. That is valuable and meaningful entertainment. 

theonion:

Date Invites Woman Upstairs To Check Out Red Flags
DFYF

Perhaps the strangest thing I’ve learned from the James Franco story is that DFYF (“don’t fuck your friends”) is also commonly used to mean “don’t fuck your fans.” It is such frequently given advice that it has its own acronym. How do we even need to say that out loud? Is that not already a transparently bad idea? How out of check would your ego get if you only boned fans?

"Oh god, yes, just like th-"

"SHUT UP I KNOW EVERYTHING I DO IS THE BEST EVERYTHING." 

shelbysbutt:

this is the best thing to happen to me in months don’t u dare fix your stupid mistake you Highlights-for-grownups ass magazine

shelbysbutt:

this is the best thing to happen to me in months don’t u dare fix your stupid mistake you Highlights-for-grownups ass magazine