And then the caterer made fun of his Gorton’s Fisherman outfit.

"If anybody objects, speak now or forever hold your peace."

"I object! I love you, Susan! I always hav-"

"George, no! Sit down! You’re making a scene. We’ll always be friends, but I love Jeffrey. I’m marrying Jeffrey.”

- The day before George R.R. Martin started work on A Song of Ice and Fire

cracked:

Back to the Future Part II offers two amazing promises: If you travel forward in time and get a sports almanac, you can go back and become an evil rich person, and if you live in 2015, you can get a hoverboard. Now that we’re less than a year away and getting pranked constantly, it can be hard to keep your faith in the magic of the greatest form of transportation since the DeLorean. So try to feel less like a rad extreme sports Fox Mulder and more like a well-dressed happy person with this hoverboard t-shirt design. The truth is out there, and it’s magenta and neon green. [GET IT HERE]

Hey, I came up with this concept and they put it on a T-shirt! So it’s probably only a matter of time before they put my invaluable “T-Rex with tits” concept up for sale, too.

cracked:

Back to the Future Part II offers two amazing promises: If you travel forward in time and get a sports almanac, you can go back and become an evil rich person, and if you live in 2015, you can get a hoverboard. Now that we’re less than a year away and getting pranked constantly, it can be hard to keep your faith in the magic of the greatest form of transportation since the DeLorean. So try to feel less like a rad extreme sports Fox Mulder and more like a well-dressed happy person with this hoverboard t-shirt design. The truth is out there, and it’s magenta and neon green. [GET IT HERE]

Hey, I came up with this concept and they put it on a T-shirt! So it’s probably only a matter of time before they put my invaluable “T-Rex with tits” concept up for sale, too.

Dude, what was that song playing at the end when you and clone you were dancing? Also, I love you!

thisdanobrien:

Shimmy Shimmy Ya by Ol’ Dirty Bastard.

WEIRD FACT: The ending in question (from this episode) was written about seven or eight years ago, before OPCD existed and before I was even making videos professionally for Cracked.com. I was a college student who wasn’t making ANY videos who idly thought “OH! I should have a news show where all of the other correspondents are clones of me, so I would cut away to ‘Now with weather, let’s go to Me. Hi, Me.’ ‘Thanks, Me!’ And then at the end of one of the episodes one of the Daniels mimes playing the opening piano part of Shimmy Shimmy Ya, and the other one gets excited and then they dance while credits roll.”

Like that was written when I still thought I would go to medical school and had no idea I’d end up anywhere in the entertainment industry. I don’t know. Believe in yourself?

And that’s how a well-placed question mark can utterly destroy a message.

bankshot:

startthemachine:

sorenbowie:

jetpackexhaust:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

cracked:

kathythewriter:

codyjohnston:

Maggie remembers the war.

This calls for a #DogsOfCracked cute-off. Briscoe says take this:


And Christina H’s pooch Frobolome enters the rumble…


This is Stormageddon “Craig” Harrison, and he likes to party. 


All you motherfuckers brought “sweet” to a Cute Fight.

That was taken after a trip to the dog park, which we take EVERY SINGLE MORNING, even when I’m hungover, which is LOTS. He plays with his dog-friends and if no one else is there, we do WIND SPRINTS to keep us both SHARP. I am Dog Mom Supreme.


Neutrino wonders at the disproportionate number of non-cats among Cracked writers’ pets. I mean we’re meant to be working on the internet.

This is my plant. I don’t know what kind it is. It gets too much sun, or not enough or something. Anyway, it’s dying, but in a cute way.

This is my t-rex. I gave him a cape and a hammer and named him Tyrannothorus. He is the tyrant lizard king of thunder and lightning.


I have a cat, and you can’t see her because she hasn’t been doing her job of sitting on my lap so I can’t arise and must keep writing.

All right, you’ve had enough fun. Let’s shut this game down with my pugs that can only sleep while hugging.

Boom, motherfuckers. That’s called “full nuclear.”

bankshot:

startthemachine:

sorenbowie:

jetpackexhaust:

thisdanobrien:

hereinidaho:

cracked:

kathythewriter:

codyjohnston:

Maggie remembers the war.

This calls for a #DogsOfCracked cute-off. Briscoe says take this:

And Christina H’s pooch Frobolome enters the rumble…

This is Stormageddon “Craig” Harrison, and he likes to party. 

image

All you motherfuckers brought “sweet” to a Cute Fight.

That was taken after a trip to the dog park, which we take EVERY SINGLE MORNING, even when I’m hungover, which is LOTS. He plays with his dog-friends and if no one else is there, we do WIND SPRINTS to keep us both SHARP. I am Dog Mom Supreme.

Neutrino wonders at the disproportionate number of non-cats among Cracked writers’ pets. I mean we’re meant to be working on the internet.

This is my plant. I don’t know what kind it is. It gets too much sun, or not enough or something. Anyway, it’s dying, but in a cute way.

This is my t-rex. I gave him a cape and a hammer and named him Tyrannothorus. He is the tyrant lizard king of thunder and lightning.

Tyrannothorus

I have a cat, and you can’t see her because she hasn’t been doing her job of sitting on my lap so I can’t arise and must keep writing.

All right, you’ve had enough fun. Let’s shut this game down with my pugs that can only sleep while hugging.

Boom, motherfuckers. That’s called “full nuclear.”

theonion:

Area Man Cleans Apartment Once Every Relationship
shelbysbutt:

A little cold still

This is like the time lapse segment on a nature documentary. “Hmm? No, I can’t go out tonight. I’m watching Shelby slowly die on Tumblr.” 

shelbysbutt:

A little cold still

This is like the time lapse segment on a nature documentary. “Hmm? No, I can’t go out tonight. I’m watching Shelby slowly die on Tumblr.” 

A conversation overheard in my apartment building that confirms my longstanding belief that I'm living in a fake Truman Show world
Old Man: Oh! Business today?
Man in Suit: Business everyday.
...
These are my new favorite characters. Let's start fan fiction:
Old Man: How'd that sports go last night?
Man in Suit: Oh man, that point scored was amazing.
Old Man: But those other points, the ones not scored, they were sad.
Man in Suit: Yes, I hope sports does better in the future.
Old man: You know it!
Man in Suit: Onward, to business!

unpops:

Harmon Leon and Alex Schmidt have a new podcast about storytelling, and it’s like “Behind The Music” with people who do more than string chords together. Follow them on Soundcloud for new episodes!

thisdanobrien:

This looks like an incredibly heavy commercial for Silk.

That’s fucking Silk’s job. It’s fucking Silk’s job to get inside you and help you evolve beyond a mewling entitled man-baby. Fuck you. Silk.

(Fuck you.)

-Silk

theonion:

Jock Scientists Identify Gay Gene In Fellow Researcher Carl | "It’s in his butt,” say researchers.