The Brock Way

I forgot I made this stupid thing: You know the power of the...

Tue, 07 May 2013 14:53:39 -0700

I forgot I made this stupid thing:

You know the power of the sock-chucks. If you don’t, you will. Soon.

I live 2 minutes from that laboratory. Will you aide me in a pillaging of its blob-drug technology?

Tue, 07 May 2013 10:05:09 -0700

Yes. I hope you’re ready. I’m already welding a shark cage onto a van, for reasons that are unclear even to me, but I suspect it’s because I saw them do it on A-Team once.

expose-the-light: Acoustic Levitation At the U.S. Department of...

Mon, 06 May 2013 11:46:39 -0700

expose-the-light:

Acoustic Levitation

At the U.S. Department of Energy’s Argonne National Laboratory, scientists have been experimenting with sound waves and pharmaceutical solutions, levitating soluble drops between two speakers facing each other. While their research has produced some visually fascinating results, it has also led to the discovery of a far more effective method for creating amorphous drugs, which happen to be the more desirable of two forms that pharmaceutical drugs can take.Watch Video Here.

GIFs by Science-llama

Finally, somebody in charge got a clue and invented HoverDrugs™.

cracked: Caligula Vs. Joffrey Holy shit. Caligula escaped to...

Thu, 02 May 2013 10:26:32 -0700

cracked:

Caligula Vs. Joffrey

Holy shit. Caligula escaped to the future; we must stop him.

"Advising our readers to sex their way into assassinating the president is probably not going to..."

Wed, 01 May 2013 10:48:59 -0700

““Advising our readers to sex their way into assassinating the president is probably not going to work.””

- My work emails are the best. (via kathythewriter)

That was Jack. Another piece of feedback from him that I actually left yesterday: “Emphasize that guilt is like the auto-erotic asphyxiation of emotions.”

My boss is the best boss.

cracked: Thanks to all who voted! Cracked.com was named Best...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:07:04 -0700

cracked:

Thanks to all who voted! Cracked.com was named Best Humor Site in the 2013 Webby People’s Voice Awards!

We owe this unwieldy, decorative spring all to you. But no, you can’t touch it.

“U can’t touch this.” -Cracked.com’s Webby Acceptance Speech, 2013

cracked: No more of this “holding doors for others” nonsense....

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:49:25 -0700

cracked:

No more of this “holding doors for others” nonsense. From here on out, it’s every threshold-crosser for himself.

4 Good Manners It’s Time to Stop Pretending We Care About

Listen, I’m the most genteel motherfucker around, and I’ll violate your useless slop-hole if you say otherwise. But even I have to admit that some aspects of our polite society are at best outdated and at worst needlessly complicating our already hectic lives. (And some of us have long days of slop-hole violating to get to — life’s busy enough.) There are some social faux pas that, for better or worse, we just need to let go. You’re not going to help anyone by …

#4. Holding the Door

Read More

It’s not the most accurate title, but ‘4 reasons fuck you and shut up’ wasn’t going over well with the ad folks.

If they let you talk dirty, I’m in.

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:48:16 -0700

If they let you talk dirty, I’m in.

iamnotmelcowan: charliecc: This is the best picture on the...

Thu, 25 Apr 2013 08:53:03 -0700

iamnotmelcowan:

charliecc:

This is the best picture on the Internet.

ACE OF SPADEZ

“I’m gonna draw a pretty star right there, so everybody will know I’ve got the whole universe in my pocket.”

cracked: This is a man’s, a man’s world, but it wouldn’t be...

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 12:29:17 -0700

cracked:

This is a man’s, a man’s world, but it wouldn’t be nothin’ without a complicated series of anti-Peeping Tom diagrams for a woman or a girl.

5 Craziest Ways Men Have Censored Female Sexuality

#4. Chinese Police Issue a Complex Chart to Stop Peeping Toms

In 2012, the Zhejiang province police in China got fed up with creeps spying on women and decided to end this peeping tom epidemic once and for all. After browsing their heavily censored version of Google for a while, the officers came up with the ultimate solution to protect the modesty of Chinese women: math.

The police’s website divulged a series of charts and diagrams designed to help women avoid giving men a look up their skirts … as long as they have a degree in geometry.

Read More

Prevention? Nice try, China. I know a how-to guide when I see it.

Every time I check my Tumblr, I spend five minutes just wondering “what the fuck IS this...

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 12:48:03 -0700

Every time I check my Tumblr, I spend five minutes just wondering “what the fuck IS this thing?”

I mean seriously, what am I supposed to do with it? Is it a blog? Is it a photo-album? Is it like Reddit for people that hate democracy?

I don’t know. Here’s a drunk cat. Fuck you.

cracked: These little sci-fi gems will make you almost glad...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 11:17:21 -0700

cracked:

These little sci-fi gems will make you almost glad you’re sitting alone at your desk eating microwaved Beefaroni.

5 Badass New Sci-Fi Movies You Can Watch on Your Lunch Break

#5. The Gift

The Gift is here to answer the question absolutely nobody asked: What would it look like if a drunken 19th century Russian duke wrote I, Robot? Design and cinematography are The Gift’s strongest suits; from the Half-Life-esque guards to the world’s snootiest robot, whom I shall dub Snootbot, it’s apparent that the film has style to spare.

There are more questions than answers in The Gift…But don’t worry, because The Gift has the answer to the only question that matters.

That question is: Robot motorcycle chase? That answer is: Fuck yes.

Read/Watch More

Kathy the Writer: My book sales so far have been described as “disappointing,” you guys....

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 13:07:00 -0700

Kathy the Writer: My book sales so far have been described as “disappointing,” you guys....:

kathythewriter:

My book sales so far have been described as “disappointing,” you guys. My heart is totally broken. I have thousands of friends/fans across social media and so far less than 100 of you have bought my book. If it doesn’t sell I might not be able to write another one. So I am literally begging you…

Amazon

Kindle

Barnes & Noble

Also available in all good bookstores now.

Why aren’t you bastards buying this? Is it because you’re bastards? Stop being bastards! Kathy’s a hell of a writer, has been with Cracked forever, is responsible for some of your favorite things on the site, and wrote a very funny book about death. At the very least, all you goth comedians should be eating this one up…

You mentioned glenlivet in another question you answered. Is that your favorite scotch? I bought a bottle recently and I love it.

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 16:07:32 -0700

It is for right now, but it changes. For example, right now I have a bottle of Glenlivet, therefore my favorite scotch is Glenlivet. My favorite scotch of all time is “the scotch in my glass.”

Kathy the Writer: The Ashe Cantrell Rips Off Robert Brockway's "Balls Fund" Fund

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 11:22:17 -0700

Kathy the Writer: The Ashe Cantrell Rips Off Robert Brockway's "Balls Fund" Fund:

weirdshitblog:

Just under two years ago, Cracked.com’s Robert Brockway held a fundraiser because he was having a bunch of financial issues like all of his shit getting stolen and things like that.

I’m in a similar predicament now, so I am stealing Brockway’s idea and phrasing it so…

This guy’s trying to steal my balls! Everybody give him money so he’ll stop!

Dear Brockway, ever thought of teaming up with Luke McKinney and starting your own gaming blog? Because you two are geniouses when it comes to writing articles on games. Whenever I see a gaming article/list on Cracked I immediately think "this must be written by either Brockway or McKinney".

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 13:42:10 -0700

Well, you answered your own question a little there: Cracked allows us so much freedom that, when we have something to say about a game, we can. I imagine that represses the urge to start a whole new blog for the subject. That, and the Cracked Non-Competition Deathsquads™.

Thank you for your wonderful Bioshock article, I haven't had anyone to talk about the ending with and I, someone who never goes on forums anymore, just wrote 51 comments on this post. You're the best thank you so much!

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 11:09:48 -0700

Thank you for participating! I needed to talk about it, too - one of the few games that mandates a bookish post-completion discussion. I wonder if, someday in the near future, we’ll have to start gaming clubs, like book clubs. I wonder if anybody will come over for that. I wonder if they’ll bring whiskey. I wonder if it will be Glenlivet.

I WONDER.

cracked: Cracked’s resident love expert, Gladstone, would like...

Tue, 02 Apr 2013 16:52:59 -0700

cracked:

Cracked’s resident love expert, Gladstone, would like you to stop all this incorrect loving.

The 5 Ways We Define Love (And Why They’re Wrong)

There have been many terrible songs, poems, and movies made about love, but a surprisingly small number of Cracked articles. Today, I intend to fill that void. Come with me as I seek the most accurate definition for this thing that makes the world go ‘round. Spoiler alert: “A thing that makes the world go ‘round” is a bad definition for love.

Read More

Incorrect: They could fill your heart with ejaculant.

thisdanobrien: cracked: Watch it now! Dooooooo this.

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 10:26:10 -0700

thisdanobrien:

cracked:

Watch it now!

Dooooooo this.

charactersinthewild: thisdanobrien: thisdanobrien: He called...

Thu, 14 Mar 2013 20:46:42 -0700

charactersinthewild:

thisdanobrien:

thisdanobrien:

He called it “The Daniel Picture Face,” and he never strayed from it.

UPDATE:

FINAL UPDATE:

I’m going to go ahead and call this both my finest hour and my official retirement from making this stupid fucking face all the time.

It’s also the “watchu talkin bout Willis” face.